Writhing in Pain….. with endometriosis.

This morning I was in bed writhing in pain.

This is my experience……

It’s raw and vulnerable.  Well, it’s this way because I am tired of telling this story.  I am tired of all the work I do with myself to keep myself healthy and pain-free ending up here yet again.

I feel frustrated, defeated, sad, fucked up.

I feel determined, recommitted, and keep praying for a miracle healing.

I am done with this story yet I am still living it.

This is how my morning went:

I was lying on my yoga mat right before I taught yoga this morning praying for my period to be soft and gentle or at least to wait until I was done teaching. 

I had to all to familiar feeling that I was in for a bad one.

I was taken down 20mins after I was don’t teaching.  Well, at least it waited till then.

I have endometriosis….. Correction I am healing endometriosis…… Correction I have a healthy body completely free from endometriosis.

FUCK

Does that even work, stupid mantras and positive affirmations…

HOW ABOUT THIS FUCKING HURTS!!!!!

God this hurts.

ok look at the bottle and see if its time to take more NSAIDS.

I have been taking them all week for this other infection I have had….. my stomach is going to be a mess.

Breathe Breathe

This has to be close to what labor feels like.

If I ever am fertile enough to get pregnant and have a baby I am prepped cause this is SO painful!!! 

Do I even want to have kids?  My energy is so messed up already with this endo causing adrenal fatigue.  

I am going to be so tired for the next week from all this pain…..

Deep Breathing……Screaming into my pillow….wanting to cry but can’t manage it because it feels like my insides are being torn apart.

I feel like I am going to vomit but that would require me moving to the bathroom and I can’t make it there.  I can’t move.

My body is contorted, I didn’t know I could make these shapes.  I am pressing the hot pad, which is already on high, pushing it into the parts that hurt for some possible relief.

I could take Narcotics…… NO…… I don’t want to do that anymore.

Why am I in pain again? I have not had a painful period in almost a year.  I was healing, a month ago I was feeling healthier than ever before.

I feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness.

I can

here

 the noises of my house around me.

I am alone in my bed.  I want to be alone.

I want to be alone because I am so DONE with this story.

Did I do something wrong?  What am I doing wrong?

3 hours pass and finally relief, I start to bleed.  I am so grateful it wasn’t days. I made it without having to go to hospital, thank god!

This last month I have had one thing after another.

My adrenals crashed, I got a weird infection in which I am still not fully diagnosed, we are still looking into it, and because of all of that, that is why I am writhing in pain.  My immune system couldn’t handle it all.

One month ago I was feeling healthier than I have ever felt in my whole life.  I felt like I was going to be able to let go if this story of my health being a constant thing that I have to attend too, because it is controlling my life.

I have been wondering what this is all about.

I have a healthy diet, I have healthy emotional awareness, I have many practices that help me to be in tune with my body heart mind and soul.

I have done years and years of healing work for myself and will continue. 

So why is this happening to me?

I laid there and asked and asked. 

What am I missing?

I am being asked to slow down.  To let go if the idea that healthy means having a strong body, which is hard for me because I have always been athletic.  To let go of this idea of perfect health, what is that even anyways because it is different for everyone.  I am being asked to focus on what I want to birth into the world with all this time of being still.

I am being asked to be more in softness, allow my body to be soft, allow my feminine self to be vulnerable and let the masculine hold me.

I saw this commercial for pads today and it made me cry.  It showed all these strong tough women who were pushing their bodies so hard.  The message was that don’t let any blood stop you.  YIKES!!!

I am all for strong women, I am one of them.  Yet our moon time is meant to be honored and respected as a time of slowing down and stillness.  That is why so many strong women have issues with their period.

Endometriosis is labeled as the career woman’s disease.

Traditionally women retreated and sat together in circle and rested during this time.  We are not able to do that entirely these days but we can approach life that way, slowly during that special time.

I have been a burn the candle at both ends, surfer, hiker, do whatever a man can do, entrepreneurial woman for years.

My health has brought me to my knees time and time again.  Telling me to slow down and respect my feminine body.

I know one day that I will be strong again.  I am strong now in my stillness.

I know my body will be strong for the sports I love to do one day again.  I am strong now in my vulnerability.

I am done with this story of my dis-eases controlling my life.  I hear the lessons that they have to offer and I embrace this path I have before me now in that ways I need to walk it.  It is not what I want.  It is exactly what I need.

I need to remind myself that the choices I make daily will ripple into the future.  I believe years of mistreating my body has gotten me here today.

Now for the years of honoring and loving my body in whatever it needs in this moment.

Easier said than done.  But oh so worth it.

I pray for a miracle healing every day.  I need to get my whole being ready to receive that miracle. I know that it will happen.

For all of you women out there with hormonal challenges I am so with you and here for you.

Community has helped so much.  If you ever want to talk please let me know.

LOVE KELSEY

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