Allowing myself to feel Tired

I am tired of saying I am tired.

I am tired of saying I am unwell, too sick, having health issues, just ok, doing what I can.

I am tired of canceling on clients, friends, social events.

I am tired of feeling guilty for not taking care of my animals and spending time with them out in nature.

I am tired of being scared that I am going to get worse again.

I am tired of having my amazing husband feel like he needs to worry about me or take care of me and having that burden be there.

I am tired of people saying it will get better, hang in there, I am so sorry. It is not that I don’t appreciate them caring…..

I am tired of needed to be SO cared for SO often.

I am tired of reaching out to my friends saying I am having a hard day and so I can’t talk or I want to talk because maybe it will help, but I know they have heard from me so much lately about how crappy I feel.

I am tired of positive affirmations and my practice, which today feels like total bullshit.

I am tired of social media pretending that everything is GREAT!  When I know there are other people out there who feel this way too.

I am tired of people telling me that my healing is a choice and if I make that choice I will be better.

I am tired of being FUCKING TIRED.

I am not trying to be a bummer, or make you feel sad for me, or want advice or feedback. And it is no wonder that people who suffer from chronic illness feel isolated and alone in this world.  Who wants to be around someone who can’t be relied upon, who cancels all the time, who when asked how they are doing answer with Okay or dealing or say good but you can tell they are not MORE OFTEN THEN NOT.

I need space to feel this way from time to time because it is fucking hard dealing with constant health issues.  I have heard people say you are the “healthiest person” I know and wonder why you struggle so much.

I have heard people say you are the “healthiest person” I know and wonder why you struggle so much.

That is right.  I eat super healthy (the right nourishment for me), I go to bed at 9pm most nights, I don’t party anymore, I have an army of health care practitioners around me helping me, I exercise, do yoga, meditate, go to counseling etc etc etc

AND

even though is some ways I am getting better, today if feels like I am not.

My digestion is super off, I am not sleeping well, I am still recovering from my last period, my brain is not functioning right, I feel depressed and I am SO FUCKING TIRED.

This is my life for right now.  This is what I have been dealt to learn from and grow with and work with.  I am changing it the best I can.  I am working with it the best I can. I am doing everything I can and learning more.

The best thing I can do for myself sometimes is feel shitty. Like actually allow myself to feel just how crappy I am feeling and grieve and be in it.

Because tomorrow I will wake up, it will be another day and I might feel great.  On those great days, I feel them as fully as I can, though they are sometimes fleeting they are what I hold on too and what keeps me going.

I share this to keep it real.  To reach out to others who feel the way I do. To let people know not to judge a book by its cover.  You never know what people are going through or dealing with.

I know the good feelings will come and I will yet again have a day or maybe even a week where I feel GREAT!  I do the work I do with myself so that I can have those time.  They are more than worth it!

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